Creating genuine confidence - in whom, and in what?

Ever since I became interested in learning hypnosis, I have noticed that concerns about confidence have always been close by - in me and in others.

We can go to workshops, read books, watch demonstrations, spend money and time, yet still lack the confidence to use the ideas, techniques, and methods.

The word is interesting to me and comes from the Latic "con" - with, and "fidere" - to have faith. Even so, this begs the question "with whom" and "in what area" should be then have this faith?

I notice that in our everyday understanding, we assume that if we are to be confident, then we need to have faith in ourselves, for us to feel good about what we are doing.

I want to question this.

Some personal driving examples.

Before I was old enough to get my licence to drive a car, I practiced driving my parents' car up and down our driveway, and developed a skill of being able to change gears without using the clutch, by listening to the sound of the motor. I became solidly confident in this ability, but how relevant was this to being able to drive in traffic? Not even slightly relevant!

Teaching others to drive was interesting. One person was eager to drive fast from the start, and the possibility terrified me. Another apologised for driving slowly, creating a feeling of relief in me. The first was over confident, while the second was sensibly cautious.

Fernando Flores made a useful contribution here by saying that confidence is knowing our competences and incompetences. If we know that we are not competent, we don't have to pretend and learning becomes possible. As we learn and become more competent, our confidence is genuine and solid.

What would be useful for us therapists to become competent and so, confident?

I initially focused on becoming competent in diagnosing the condition, "inducing" hypnosis, "deepening" it, and a range of psycho-surgical techniques to perform the problemectomy, treating the condition, hoping to cure it, as if hypnosis were some sort of anaesthetic.

After my time with Milton Erickson, I discovered that it was much more important to focus on listening to the client, to find out who each individual is, what is their unique experience, what is missing for them so they can connect, reconnect or learn, so they can be more fully who they are and resolve their stuckness and get on with their life as an ordinary human being like this rest of us.

Who should we be confident in?

Milton Erickson made two crucial comments here. "You can always be totally confident that your client can go into hypnosis" and "You can always be totally confident that your client has all the resources they need to resolve their problem".

His emphasis on the client as the place to look for confidence, not ourselves invites a change of focus, and one that I increasingly appreciate.

We can then begin to focus on learning how to listen respectfully to each individual human being, their concerns, their perspectives, instead of diagnosing, classifying and treating them as if they were an inanimate machine.

We can learn to be empathic, honouring their legitimate suffering instead of rushing to lessen it so we are saved from our own discomfort of being present to theirs. We can then build a genuine trusting relationship between two human beings instead of an expert treating and fixing someone [or something] with defects and deficiencies.

We can learn to help each individual connect, reconnect, or learn whatever resource will be useful for them instead of applying some standard protocol or treatment.

How can we learn to be genuinely confident?

I have found that we can do this by finding a safe environment where we can play, try something out, get it wrong, be open to constructive criticism - all without fear of judgement. In an environment like this, learning becomes possible.

I'm not writing anything complex or original here. I am simply wanting to remind us all about what we instinctively know and value.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and please leave a comment about your response.

Rob